Three Up; Three Down

Three Up

Doubtless recognizing us as the leader in the race for exceedingly brilliant commentary, a trio of athletes will compete in today’s Road and River Relay in Waynesboro under a name taken from this space. They’re called THREE UP and the group includes local engineer Dave Segars, Michelle Dennhardt and Waynesboro freshman cross-country phenom Meredith Figgatt. OK, we admit it: Even at our most scintillating, we couldn’t keep pace with Meredith. So the honor is all ours. Go get ’em, Three Up.
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An annoying but welcome pest has returned to the South River. No, not mercury. That stuff never left. It’s called the STONEFLY, which is significant not only to trout anglers but to environmentalists. The finicky insect likes life under the rocks in cool, unpolluted water. So environmental watchers were more than a trifle encouraged this week after finding stoneflies buzzing about the South. Take that, industrial legacy. Still, don’t drink the water. The South is affected by nutrient pollution, most of it from farms. Enough said.
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Wanted: Disheveled opinionistas willing to work odd hours staring at computer screens compiling unsubstantiated expositions on various right- or left-wing conspiracies and/or other gibberish. Mandatory dress code: Pajamas, tussled hair and, for men, a three-day beard (OK, women, too). A new study says there are 20 million BLOGGERS in the United States, with more than 450,000 making a living doing it. What? People get paid to sit at keyboards tapping out mulish drivel? Has the world gone mad?

Three Down

PEREZ HILTON, whose pseudonym parallels his keen mind, knows how to root out evil – found wherever people hold views contrary to his own. After exposing Miss California, Carrie Prejean, as (gasp!) opposed to gay marriage, Perez, or whoever he is, unleashed a blog rant in which he used a profanity to describe the straight-laced beauty queen. The tolerance message was stirring. Roughly translated, it was: Think like me, or be damned.
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Those wascally CARBONS won’t escape Elmer Fed this time. After support collapsed in Congress for a cap-and-trade plan targeting carbon emissions, the Environmental Protection Agency stepped up to declare carbon dioxide a pollutant. So as more scientists doubt carbons’ role in global warming and warming itself, the EPA ensures that consumers still will get the high costs cap-and-trade would have brought. What’s up, doc? Your utility bills.
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MAJESTIC ATHLETIC would like to buy a vowel, please. The company that makes uniforms for baseball’s Washington Nationals, uh, forgot something. As a result, players Adam Dunn and Ryan Zimmerman trotted onto the field last week wearing jerseys that read “Natinals.” O. Of course, with a Swiss cheese bullpen, the Nats frequently are short another, more-cherished letter. Too bad, Ashington.