Three Up; Three Down

THREE UP

While his fellow Augusta County supervisors muse over what to do, Tracy Pyles continues to emerge as a man of the people. The veteran Pastures District supervisor is a lone voice among seven in crying out against Augusta County’s reassessment, which performs the remarkable feat of increasing values just as sale prices and volume are swirling down the drain. Property owners are hopping mad. Pyles hears them and has taken up their cause. Too bad the other six supes can’t hear quite so well.

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The best way to find a Republican’s spine is by cutting his legs from under him. Demonstrating their affinity for playing from behind, some Senate Republicans have come out swinging in a growingly bitter fight over a stimulus package reeking of rotten pork, like this: $87 million for a polar icebreaking ship. Won’t global warming take care of that stuff? Tell Al Gore to put on his parka and give us a hand.

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Hey, how about those Iraqi elections? What, you didn’t notice? Here’s the scoop: Iraqis went to the polls and the vote went off with scarcely a hitch. Prime Minister Nouri Al Maliki cruised to victory in results announced this week. Free elections are now a humdrum event in Iraq, a place reigned by a dictator for decades then violence after the 2003 invasion. Only a man from Crawford would have thunk it.

THREE DOWN

Don’t you hate it when a perfectly good career hawking cereal goes to pot? Midnight toker and breaststroker Michael Phelps lost his fat Kellogg’s endorsement and was suspended from competition for three months after being caught in a photo taking a hit from a bong. To this, we ask Mr. Phelps, winner of eight Olympic gold medals at last summer’s Beijing games: Dude, like how are you going to get by on endorsement money from Visa, Speedo, Omega and PureSport? And: Can we have one of those brownies you’ve been chowing down on? Oh, never mind.

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A judge Thursday said she likely will toss out evidence that Barry Bonds tested positive for steroids three times in 2000 and 2001, a period when the former slugger’s biceps and head swelled like Bruce Banner’s in a tantrum. The decision would be a boost for Bonds’ federal perjury defense, but revelations of the positive steroid tests leave his battered image down to its final strike. What an asterisk.

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OK, so who are you going to believe, Roger Clemens or his DNA? The Washington Post reported that the ex-baseball hurler’s DNA matched blood in syringes that his personal trainer said he used to inject the star with performance-enhancing drugs. Clemens has defiantly denied being juiced. That was believable, almost like a president wagging his finger denying a fling with an intern. Oh, wait ... .