3 Up, 3 Down

MUSCLE: Dude, somebody, like, forgot to tell car buyers that the Camaro, General Motors’ classic muscle car, is so not cool. GM sold 9,000 new Camaros last month. Trouble is, the version with the V-8 engine – like anybody wants less – gets just 22 miles per gallon. If only we could get one to run on rice cakes. By the way, where do you plug in the darn thing? Automobile executive and President of the United States Barack Obama cannot be happy. Quick, fire the CEO.
SUMMER: OK, so we know it’s summer already. All those kids roaming the streets in the middle of the day on their skateboards was the first clue. No snow on the windshield was another. But, really, it isn’t official in the River City until the annual Extravaganza, which kicks off today. Just thinking about the fireworks stirs anew in our imagination the aroma of burgers sizzling on the grill.
CALVIN’S HOBBIES: What? You didn’t mark John Calvin’s birthday on Friday? The Reformation’s other big name – Martin Luther, of course, started the thing – turned 500 yesterday. Sure, he died, like, a thousand years ago (OK, not quite), but knowing history should require paying a bit of homage to the man whose keen intellect shaped the Protestant movement and so the world.

CREDULITY: This just in from the head of the Big Three, American financial institutions and the health care industry: The economy is swimming at the bottom of the toilet. Barack Obama the candidate seemed to know this. The words “economic crisis” were permanently affixed to his teleprompter. He muttered “crisis” in his sleep. Now, with his stimulus stimulating guffaws, Obama reveals that, gee, things really are bad. Never mind Vice President Joe Biden, who said the administration “misread” the severity of the “crisis.” A thousand times no, Obama says. The administration only had “incomplete” information. All-righty then.
END GAMES: The Jehovah’s Witnesses are huddled in Richmond for their annual hoedown. So what everyone wants to know is, when will the four horsemen come? In 1914? Uh, passed that one already. 1918? Ninety-one years ago. 1920? ’41? Wait, ’25? No? ’75? ...
SAY IT AIN’T SO, JOE: All right, so you know VP Joe rained on the Obama infallibility parade with the bit about “misreading.” How about this? Ol’ Joe has been holding a slew of private meetings with his unnamed peeps. Hey, wasn’t his predecessor pilloried for the same thing? Not to worry. Joe fixed it. No more private meetings on his schedule. Just meetings that are “closed to the press.” There. All better?