Thank you, Captain Obvious

The headline on the U.S. News & World Report story said this: “Having Children Adds Stress to Marriage.”

Thanks for clearing that up, U.S. News & World Report. I look forward to similar articles that will enlighten me to other hidden realities, such as “Hitting Yourself in the Groin with a Sledgehammer Hurts” and “French-Kissing a Rabid Wolverine a Bad Idea.”

The April 14 story provides details on an eight-year study of 218 couples that determined, as the headline reveals, that having children adds stress to marriage. That’s a lot of work by researchers who probably would have known this eight years ago if they (a) were married and (b) had children.

Let’s be clear. I love being a husband and a father. In 1987, I willingly said “I do” and sped away toward a new, more complicated life in an ugly orange Mazda hatchback with Molly Hatchet’s “Flirtin’ With Disaster” playing ominously over the classic rock station we tuned in. Eight years later I said “let’s do” to creating a new life that would further complicate my life while simultaneously providing me with some of the greatest joys I’ve ever experienced.

Added stress? Just a smidgen.

Thirteen years ago, my wife and I embarked on parenthood with our eyes wide open, though I believe it was dark at the time.

The conversation did not go like this: “Scott, we’re two underemployed young adults living paycheck to paycheck with mounting credit card debt in a small town with a decreasing number of opportunities. What’s the one thing we can do to minimize our stress?”

“Have a baby?”

“That’s the best idea you’ve had since deciding to grow a mullet.”

No, it went more like this: “Times are tough, my dearest wife. We don’t make a lot of money, but we love each other. If we decide to do this, the entire dynamic of our relationship will change. We’ll be three instead of two. Gosh, if we only had one of those fancy new computers so we could get on that Interweb and access a reputable information source like U.S. News & World Report to tell us if having a child will add stress to our marriage.”

“I agree, husband of mine. And I worry about things like college for our child. How will we ever be able to afford that?”

“Never you mind. I’m investing in a little something called the stock market. It’s a bubble that cannot burst. Around, oh, say, 2009, we’ll be millionaires. Millionaires, I tell you!”

“That’s the best idea you’ve had since deciding to grow a mullet. OK, let’s have a baby.”

“Hang on, I’ll get the Molly Hatchet tape.”

Maybe it didn’t go anything like that, but we both knew there would be added stress along with infinite reward when we became parents. And that has been the reality for the last 13 years.

The U.S. News & World report article offers some common-sense tips to help relieve that marital stress, such as clarifying tasks and chores, calling on friends and family for backup, having a “date night” each week, even if it’s just 10 minutes of talking as friends after the youngster has hit the hay, or giving full legal custody of your child to Madonna. (Out of fairness to U.S. News & World Report, the last one was actually not among the publication’s stress-relieving tips.)

Here are my additional tips, which are based on personal experience and not on an eight-year study of 218 couples:

* If you marry a spirited, redheaded woman who owns an ugly orange Mazda hatchback and the two of you eventually produce what you both believe to be the most wonderful/perplexing human being to ever walk the planet, it will be stressful at times. Deal with it.

* On “date night,” don’t insist on separate checks.

* Whenever Molly Hatchet’s “Flirtin’ With Disaster” comes on the radio, turn it up as loud as it will go.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .