Monkey Action News Team returns

If there is one question I am asked more than, “How on God’s green Earth do you still have a newspaper column?” it is, “Why no recent monkey news?”

Longtime readers (Hello, Ed) will recall how my lifetime obsession with all things monkey — which I attribute to “Curious George,” “Tarzan,” “The Little Rascals” and “B.J. and the Bear” — led me to devote entire columns to their oftentimes hilarious and sometimes shocking antics, much to the dismay of those who believe that newspaper columns should deal solely with illegal immigration.

Those same longtime readers (Wake up, Ed) know of my illustrious, if imaginary, primate-centered career path: Fresh-faced, unpaid intern for the fledgling Monkey Action News Team; slightly less fresh-faced correspondent for the up-and-coming Monkey Action News Team; &%$@-faced international correspondent for the ratings-powerhouse Monkey Action News Team (darn those airplane bottles); and, finally, grim-faced western North Carolina bureau chief for the drastically downsized Monkey Action News Team.

Folks from all over the country, or more likely folks from out in the country who contact me through dial-up Internet service, sent along monkey-related news items, which I happily passed on to the masses eager to fuel their water-cooler chimp chat.

Then, suddenly, I lost my passion for monkey news.

It was a direct result of the horrific February chimp attack in Stamford, Conn., in which a woman was mauled and nearly killed by a 14-year-old, 200-pound chimp that police eventually shot and killed.

The victim had tried to help the owner get the agitated chimp — known around town for its previous bouts of agitation — out of the yard and back into the house.

The Associated Press described the bond between the widowed owner and her chimp, Travis, a former TV actor/monkey, as “unusual.”

She “gave him the finest food, and wine in long-stemmed glasses,” according to the AP story and “they took baths together and cuddled in the bed they shared.” Travis brushed her hair each night and may have been, according to some reports, zonked on his owner’s Xanax when the attack occurred.

If “unusual” in this context means “absolutely freaking flat-out nuts,” I would have to concur.

In mid-March, attorneys began paperwork on a $50 million lawsuit against the animal’s owner. I’m no TV legal expert, but I don’t think a woman who bathes with a 200-pound, frequently agitated, wine-guzzling chimp has $50 million — or a fair amount of good sense.

So there is the answer to the dearth of monkey news and the inaction of the Monkey Action News Team. The question is, do I let one monkey-boozing, monkey-bathing, monkey-grooming Connecticut Yankee in King Crazy’s Court forever ruin my passion for monkey news?

I’m proud to tell you today the answer is no. I’ve got my mojo working once again. The Monkey Action News Team is back in action after this unfortunate period of inaction.

This just in: According to a story in The Daily Telegraph, a rare primate — an endangered, bright orange, insufferably cute francois langur named Elke — has made its debut at the Taronga Zoo in Sydney, Australia.

And now, the rest of the story (if I may pay homage to the late, great Paul Harvey). No one at the zoo bathed with a drunken monkey.

In other news, a story in the March 21 online edition of The Chicago Sun-Times describes how chimps living in Africa use special “tool kits” to snatch honey from bee hives high above the forest floor.

“They hang upside down with a large pounding club,” a researcher told the newspaper. “We saw one female who pounded over 1,000 times in the course of a single morning.”

And now, the rest of the story (at this point, I’m just ripping off the late, great Paul Harvey). No one on the research team bathed with a drunken monkey.

That’s it for this edition of monkey news with the Monkey Action News Team.

(You can stop reading now, Ed. Your bath is getting cold.)

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .