Finding light in dark world

A perennial has poked up its little shoot in the last week. This one is not in my yard. It is in my newspaper. Song lyrics are back in the news. A concerned parent raised the issue after hearing offensive music being played at a middle school dance (“Parent: Lewd songs played at school,” April 27). No matter what the school decides, there is no escaping toxic pop culture. It isn’t just song lyrics. It is the anorexic models on the television show “Project Runway.” It is clothing for girls that makes them look like hookers. It is a culture that celebrates money and fame over character. I could go on, and so could you.

Working with young women for 25 years has taught me a few things. They do know the difference between the shallow and tawdry and the wise. They can tell which houses are built on solid rock and which on sand. That doesn’t mean they choose wisely, but they can tell the difference.

When I ask students if they know anyone who has exceptionally good judgment and is better at living than average people, most will name someone they describe as loving, kind and wise. I worry if a student can’t name anyone.

There is absolutely no guarantee that what we do will produce a mature adult with good judgment. We can up the odds, but there are outstanding people who had wretched childhoods and ghastly people who had solid upbringings. It happens. A friend of mine said, “Bragging that your children haven’t gotten into trouble yet is like bragging that you haven’t been struck by lightening.”

The best we can do is encourage our children to become like the people they most admire, but when children hit puberty, our fears can take over. It is easy to understand why. So many things can go wrong. But relating to young people out of what we are afraid might go wrong doesn’t work very well. They do not believe our fears are justified, and they suspect that we have no confidence in them. When we attack popular culture head-on, they defend it as their culture even when they have doubts about it. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t express an opinion or refuse to allow it at middle school dances, but the approach only goes so far.

Exposing them to people they can admire and emulate does more good than anything I know of. I ask them, “Do you know anyone who brings out the best in you? Is there someone in whose presence you are simply a better person than when he or she is not there?” I also ask if they know a person who brings out the worst in them, turns them into someone they don’t want to be. They know exactly what I am talking about. If I share with them some of my own experiences of this phenomenon, they will share theirs. We can see each other as fellow human beings trying to make our way through the difficulties of life, trying to become people we like and admire.

I have said to students, “What do you want people to say about you when they are standing around at funeral home after you’ve died?” They respond, “I was kind; I helped others; I made a difference; I was a good friend or family member.”

Children need solid, mature loving adults around them, the more the better. I tell students that the president has his cabinet, and they need theirs, people who care about them, will ask them tough questions and will gently bring them back when life is making them crazy. Find those people, and hang on to them for dear life.

Something in people seeks light just like a sapling in the forest, but sometimes our fears and insecurities can lead us into dark places. I see these young people searching for light. I am too. I hope we all find enough of it to thrive. 

Patricia Hunt, of Staunton, is a chaplain at Mary Baldwin College.