2009 year-in-review preview

Once again, as media outlets take a “special look back” at events that shaped the previous year — really an opportunity for journalists to write a bucket-load of year-in-review stories in advance and spend a week or two polishing their resumes and looking for a more inviting career path, like bomb-disposal technician — I instead choose to use my super powers to predict what lies ahead in 2009.

Yes, I said super powers. Thanks to a Los Alamos lab accident in the early ’40s — I told Dr. Von Schnitzel it was unwise to drink a bottle of cough syrup before the radiation experiments, but he wouldn’t listen — I acquired the ability to see into the future, especially at this time of the year when I can stretch one rambling column into two and spend a little quality time with the TV ... uh, I mean family.

So, here is part one of Scott’s Super Powerful 2009 Year In Preview:

JANUARY — Riding a wave of worldwide popularity, millions watch as Barack Obama ushers in a new era of hope, taking the oath of office with his hand atop the same Bible used by Abraham Lincoln. But the Web site conspiracynutjob.org reports that it was instead an alien replica of Barack Obama who placed his talon upon an Illuminati scroll, ushering in an era of world domination in which all personal liberties, including the right to eat spicy chicken wings at Hooters, is suspended.

Turns out that’s not true.

FEBRUARY — President Barack Obama’s approval ratings plunge to an all-time low after he fails to fix everything immediately, disappointing many Americans’ need for instant gratification.

“I told you he was an alien like the Internets said,” proclaims Ed “Sweet Tater” Brackerton, who then punches his fist through a convenience store window after scratching off eight consecutive losing lottery tickets. “Now I can’t even get chicken wings.”

In Detroit, the Big Three, flush with bailout money, begin rolling out innovative new products, including the Dodge Desperate, which runs on actual cash stuffed directly into the fuel tank.

“We’re cutting out the middle man,” says new Chrysler CEO and former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich.

MARCH — The newspaper industry, which saw record revenue declines in 2008, continues to suffer in 2009, much to the disappointment of a future crop of bomb-disposal technicians. Nationwide, circulation sinks to 14 people, all of whom live in a nursing home near Chesnee, S.C., and are physically unable to cancel their subscriptions.

In sports news, driver Kurt Busch wins the Food City 500 at the Bristol Motor Speedway, driving the new cash-burning Dodge Desperate, only to be disqualified as NASCAR officials determine someone spiked the fuel with a handful of Japanese yen and a Canadian quarter.

APRIL — President Barack Obama’s approval ratings rise when he defeats illegal-alien-obsessed CNN personality Lou Dobbs in a televised celebrity wrestling match. Dobbs complains that Obama intentionally struck him “south of the border.”

MAY — Americans, collectively realizing the Internet is rife with misinformation and outright falsehoods, suddenly flock back to newspapers, which are less rife with misinformation and outright falsehoods.

“I just missed the sensation of thumbing through the ol’ daily rag each morning, reading about my friends and neighbors during a quiet moment to myself,” said one returning subscriber.

“I accidentally dropped my laptop in the toilet,” said another.

Media companies respond to the good news by slashing jobs.

JUNE — Former President George W. Bush dedicates the $450 million George W. Bush Presidential Library at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas. The library will house important documents from the Bush administration, including 4,746 games of tic-tac-toe, all won by then-Vice President Dick Cheney.

Next week: Part II of Scott’s Super Powerful 2009 Preview.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .