Will digital TV transition affect cable thieves?

More than 400 television stations across the nation switched from analog to digital signals on Feb. 17, and hundreds more will make the transition on June 12, leaving millions of bewildered viewers asking what happened to their “Matlock” reruns.

As part of the recently approved economic stimulus plan, I’m being paid $112,000 to answer some of the public’s frequently asked questions about the digital TV transition. (Note: A review of the economic stimulus plan signed into law could find no mention of $112,000 for Hollifield’s digital TV transition FAQ, but a public records request did turn up a note from Hollifield to the FCC asking the agency to “hook me up with some of that sweet stimulus skrilla.”)

FREQUENTLY ASKED DIGITAL TV TRANSITION QUESTIONS:

Q: I gave my brother-in-law Eugene $35 and a case of beer to climb the pole outside the house and splice into the line so I could get cable without having to pay for it because it’s too darn high — both the price and the pole — and Eugene, despite having considerable aptitude in the fields of splicing and wiring, is an idiot who will do anything for $35 and a case of beer. How will the digital TV transition affect me?

A: TVs hooked to cable, stolen or otherwise, will not be affected.

Q: Before Eugene climbed the pole, he drank about eight of those beers I gave him, which I didn’t think was the best idea in the world considering he was putting himself into a high-voltage situation, but you know Eugene. You can’t tell him a thing, especially with a beer or two in him. When I said, “Eugene, I don’t know if you ought to shimmy up there half drunk,” he said, “Hey, !&%$&!, who’s climbing this pole, me or you?” And I said, “There ain’t nobody climbing it yet because you’ve been sitting down here on your hind-end getting drunker than a hoot owl and I still ain’t got the cable TV I paid $35 for.” And he said, “I’ll beat your %$#.” And I said, “Boy, if you’re feeling froggy, jump.” And he said, “My therapist says I overcompensate for a lack of self-esteem by displaying misplaced aggression.” And I said, “Perhaps you can benefit from a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor or cognitive behavioral therapy.” And then we hugged and he climbed the pole. How will the digital TV transition affect me?

A: Again, TVs hooked to cable will not be affected.

Q: Up there on the pole, Eugene, as I feared he would, tapped into a live wire with a pair of needle-nose pliers, and he flew backward about 30 feet onto the hood of his pickup truck and lay there in that Eugene-shaped dent with scorched Old Milwaukee shooting out of every orifice I dared to look at. Then he raised up and announced he had suddenly undergone a religious conversion and renounced all his sinful endeavors, including the theft of cable TV. Lucky for me, the fireball that led Eugene down the path of righteousness had soldered the final connection to my illegal cable hookup and I was watching Maury Povich’s “Who’s Your Daddy?” before he was out of the driveway. Eugene bought a surplus funeral home tent and began holding revivals, which were at first sparsely attended due to the fact that Eugene tended to try to “beat the gospel” into those who attended. Eventually, though, he softened his technique somewhat and added snakes to the mix, which proved to be a big draw. How will the digital TV transition affect me?

A: As I’ve said before, TVs hooked to cable will not be affected.

Q: What happened to my “Matlock” reruns?

A: “Matlock” will be right back after these messages from our bankrupt sponsors.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .