Mr. Romance returns with advice
Published: February 7, 2009
The clock on the wall says it’s February — and, yes, I’ve got a very detailed clock — so it’s time once again for me to adopt the lovable persona of Mr. Romance, your expert guide to matters of the heart.
(Note: Mr. Romance is a registered trademark of the Yamagochee Corp., makers of the TurboXtreme line of non-FDA approved male-enhancement products. Mr. Romance is not a licensed therapist. The advice given by Mr. Romance is presented for entertainment purposes only. Those proceeding past this point give up any and all legal claims should following the advice of Mr. Romance result in (a) a restraining order; (b) a divorce or; (c) an arrest for public indecency and lewd behavior with a drunken circus clown.)
February, in addition to being National Grapefruit Month, plays host to Valentine’s Day, that special time of the year when couples reaffirm their love by standing in line at Red Lobster.
But it can also be a confusing time for those who aren’t as learned in the lessons of love as Mr. Romance, who owns several Barry White albums and inexplicably refers to himself in the third person throughout this column.
Here’s a little advice from the heart, for the heart, in Q&A format:
Dear Mr. Romance,
I saw that Lonely Planet’s “Best in Travel 2009” guidebook lists the 10 best places to steal a kiss. They are (1) Paris, France, the City of Lights; (2) Blarney, Ireland, home of the famous smooched-upon stone; (3) Kissimmee, Fla., where the name says it all; (4) Kissing, Germany, where the name says it all in German; (5) New York City, if you can kiss it there, you can kiss it anywhere; (6) Kiribati, a South Pacific Island getaway I’ve never heard of; (7) Rio, where beachside romance with someone who may or may not be a woman is a bossa nova away; (8) Venice, Italy, where lovers can lock lips beneath the Bridge of Sighs; (9) Hershey, Pa., where Kisses originate; and (10) Casablanca, Morocco, where you can play it again, Sam.
My question is, what are the worst 10 places to steal a kiss?
Signed,
All Puckered Out
Dear Puck,
Mr. Romance’s list of the 10 worst places to steal a kiss are (1) the men’s room of the Sunoco Station in Goodlettsville, Tenn.; (2) your family reunion; (3) the International Conference of Herpes Sufferers; (4) the Susquehanna Valley Garlic Festival; (5) in a foxhole; (6) in a police lineup; (7) in a confessional; (8) in the Oval Office with an intern; (9) in a duck blind with Dick Cheney; and (10) at your Senate confirmation hearing.
Dear Mr. Romance,
Last year, while standing in line at Red Lobster, I took your advice and told my wife I had been having an affair with her best friend, Norma Jo, and had spent our tax return to have Norma Jo’s breasts enlarged and her back tattoo removed. As you said, honesty is important in a relationship. But my wife immediately filed for divorce and my life began a downhill spiral. I became hooked on over-the-counter cough syrup and WD-40 fumes and finally hit rock bottom when I was arrested for public indecency and lewd behavior with a drunken circus clown.
Can I sue you?
Signed,
Inmate 34772
Dear Jailbird,
Mr. Romance must refer you to paragraph two.
Dear Mr. Romance,
How do you and Mrs. Romance keep your love life spicy?
Signed,
Curious
Dear Not-Really-Any-Of-Your-Business,
One of my favorite things to do for Mrs. Romance on Valentine’s Day is to perform an erotically charged dance to “Sweet Home Alabama” wearing nothing but a pair of pointy-toed cowboy boots and tiger-striped boxer shorts. She loves it. And the people in line at Red Lobster seem to get a kick out of it, too.
Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .
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