Cloned goats in these uncertain times

In these uncertain economic times, can America afford to fall behind in the international goat-cloning race?

Frankly, I don’t know what “these uncertain economic times” have to do with cloning goats, but many gloomy news stories I read on my furlough days tend to use the phrase “in these uncertain economic times” quite often, and I felt I may be doing readers a disservice by not reminding them over and over that these are indeed uncertain economic times.

If, in the past, I have failed to do my journalistic duty by not frightening, depressing or boring you in these uncertain economic times, I sincerely apologize.

Back to goat cloning: My crack research department (Google) determined that only four countries — the United States, Britain, Canada and China — have reportedly cloned a goat.

Until now. (If this were a multimedia presentation, “until now” would be followed by serious-sounding music and an impressive graphic. This isn’t a multimedia presentation.)

The Associated Press, a reliable source of goat-related news in these uncertain economic times, revealed on April 16 that Iran claims to have joined the elite goat-cloning club.

The goat, named Hana, was born in the city of Isfahan, according to Dr. Mohammed Hossein Nasr e Isfahani, head of the Royan Research Institute (and no relation to Kevin Hossein Nasr e Isfahani, owner and operator of Hossein Nasr e Isfahani’s Heating & Air on Route 47).

Researchers said the ultimate goal of Iran’s cloning project is to produce “recombinant drugs,” which I believe is code for “an army of nuclear-armed, genetically altered super goats designed to bring America to its knees.”

Seriously, folks, can we really trust that Ayatollah Khomeini? (Note: Hollifield has apparently failed to keep up with developments in Iranian politics and culture for several decades.)

I know what some of you skeptics, the ones who didn’t stop reading six paragraphs ago, are saying: What’s this man know about goats in these uncertain economic times?

When I was a child, my family for a brief period had three (non-cloned) goats, and I learned these animals can be some of the most destructive creatures this side of a drunken, Xanax-popping chimp, especially when it comes to eating laundry on a clothes line, tearing off a neighbor’s storm door or climbing atop a station wagon.

Iran claims it is developing cloned goats for peaceful purposes? I say poppycock. (I’ve always wanted to say poppycock.)

A detailed reading of President Obama’s spending plan (full disclosure: I didn’t read President Obama’s spending plan) shows little if any money for defense against an army of nuclear-armed, genetically altered super goats, and that is frightening in these uncertain economic times.

We must act, and we must act now. Here is what America should do, in my opinion, though, admittedly, I took a lot of cold medicine about an hour and a half ago:

* Demand that Iran allow U.N. goat inspectors full access to its goat-cloning program.

* Throw a tea party, and add just a hint of goat’s milk for symbolism’s sake.

* Build a goat-proof border fence. It must be taller than a station wagon.

* Add cloned goats to the list of non-approved carry-on items for all commercial flights.

* Pump billions of stimulus dollars into America’s own goat-cloning program and convert shuttered GM plants into goat-making facilities (you don’t even have to change the initials), putting hundreds of thousands of scientists and goat farmers back to work in these uncertain economic times.

Can we afford to do this? We can’t afford not to do this. In case you haven’t heard, these are uncertain economic times.

Scott Hollifield, failed goat farmer, is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. or e-mail .