Catch the virus?

May 11-15 is National Etiquette Week, and this year’s theme, “Catch the Manners Virus!” was undoubtedly selected before the global outbreak of swine flu.

Right now, no one wants to catch any virus, whether it spreads “courtesy, kindness and good manners in all areas of American life,” according to a media release about National Etiquette Week, or leaves an unfortunate victim coughing uncontrollably on a gurney in a hospital hallway while the rest of us pray those protective masks actually work.

While much of our attention is currently focused on swine flu (as we previously focused much of our attention on bird flu, mad cow disease, West Nile virus, SARS, anthrax and toad licking), we can’t lose sight of the role that etiquette plays in our everyday lives, whether we are talking with our mouths full, snuggling the Queen of England or hoisting a one-finger salute to the jerk in the Buick who cut us off in traffic. (I am told all of those things are frowned upon in polite society.)

Much has changed since the heyday of etiquette maven Emily Post, and this modern world can be a confusing place for the manners-minded. That’s why, in honor of National Etiquette Week, I’ve appointed myself an etiquette expert and put together this short but thorough guide covering a few contemporary topics.

n Cell phones: A person receiving a call in a public setting should refrain from discussing private matters. For instance, while in line at Burger King preparing to order a Whopper Jr., a cell phone conversation, out of respect for fellow diners, should not loudly include such topics as delinquent child-support payments, Maw-Maw’s skin condition, Uncle Bill’s involuntary commitment or how the next time the phone user sees Eugene, he’s going to go “upside his big, fat melon head with a two-by-four.”

When in church, cell phones should be turned off so the annoyingly loud “Who Let the Dogs Out?” ring tone doesn’t disturb the sermon or, more importantly, the serpent handling.

n Online dating: More and more these days, people are meeting online in a quest for romantic relationships. Etiquette applies here as well. Those who portray themselves as something they are not run the risk of disappointing a potential partner upon that first face-to-face meeting.

A chubby guy who lives in his parents’ basement should refrain from describing himself as “Blake, a 6-foot-4-inch martial arts instructor/male model with a chiseled physique and beach cottage.” If one does exaggerate in this manner, the only course of action upon meeting the woman is to explain that Blake was tragically stricken with swine flu during a missionary trip to Mexico and his final request was that you, his slightly less-attractive brother Kenny, take his place on the date. It might work.

n Job layoff: Sure, it would feel good to grab the nearest laptop and repeatedly bludgeon members of management until security puts you down on the blood-stained carpet with a Taser, but that would be bad workplace etiquette. And yes, there would be some level of satisfaction to making public a certain supervisor’s late-night copy-room escapades with an undocumented worker on the maintenance staff, but that would be bad workplace etiquette. And certainly, lowering one’s pants in the general direction of the board of directors would be fulfilling in the short term, but that too would be bad workplace etiquette.

Clean off your desk, fill up the company-issued cardboard box and walk away. And hope they all catch swine flu.

Remember, May 11-15 is National Etiquette Week. Lower your protective masks and “Catch the Manners Virus!”

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion N.C. and columnist with the Media General News Service. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion N.C. 28752 or e-mail .